A FOOL IN LOVE WITH THE FOOL THAT SHOULD BE IN LOVE WITH YOU
Another late sleepless night. Pieces of my life, like glass are shattering bit by bit. Parts of myself that I didn’t think were breakable and others I just simply let slip, all just lie here before me. Do I piece them back together and if so, shall I ever be the same? I’m not the girl I once was. Not at all the woman I set out to be.
I lay here thinking about him and how wrong that is. How did I allow myself to become this person?
I sit here tonight exploring 2 strangers. The one in whom I’m thinking about and the other in which I betrayed. I know nothing but the pictures I see before me. Moments captured that I wasn’t a part of. Words below them craftly written expressing love and admiration that aren’t directed towards me.
Through the photos of the woman, I subject myself to assumption. These are just photos yet they say so much. I see a woman of class and stature. An entrepreneur. A beautiful song bird. A gentle mother. A woman of faith. A pioneer of idea and invention. An activist of the things she loves. A restorer of old and a vanguard of new. A patient wife of great passion. A path maker and risk taker. A woman who adores her children, honors her family, and her supports her husband. A woman who appreciates all that lay before her and takes pride in keeping it safe.
Then there is this man. I see a proud Father. A man with God given talent. Someone self aware and confident yet vulnerable and slightly insecure. A compassionate man with a deep internal struggle. A man blessed with great worldly possessions and a life most hearts would long for. A man battling feeling good enough who’s clearly enough. A man loved and adored. A man who loves his wife all while still searching for his place and longing for contentment.
I’m not that woman and I may not ever be that great. In all matters of the heart, mine has lost its way. In all matters of the mind, mine is conflicted and still in search. That life looks beautiful and that woman looks so intangible. Could I be that kind of mother? Would I be that sort of wife? Could I juggle that kind of life? Am I made of something that strong? Someday hopefully but today it seems impossible.
Then theres the man, whom is not mine to be had with a life that isn’t mine to take. Could he not find contentment in this, he would surely not find it here. What a fool I’ve been. Without thinking, without knowing, I wanted something I didn’t deserve. I reached for something that wasn’t mine. Am I that lonely? Am I that far off the path of right and wrong? God surely didn’t have a dog in this race. I very clearly blazed my own trail.
So now what? Believe the images I see displayed before me or the things I thought I felt before I knew what I now know?
OR, do what I believe to be right and tell this man that before him appears to be a great woman and a great life that he must keep a stronger grip on. Is it real, I can’t say. But what I know is how hard it is to find and if I found anything that looked like what I see in these pictures I would give it all I had. I wouldn’t let go of my end of the rope until I couldn’t hold on any longer.
I don’t know more than what I see. I don’t have advice beyond what I know. But I refuse to continue down this path. Its time to turn around. Its time for us to go home.